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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25395421">Or 4 Times People Left Dean and One Time They Didn’t</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lil_Moon545/pseuds/Lil_Moon545'>Lil_Moon545</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>4 Times + 1, Abandoned Dean Winchester, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angsty Schmoop, Bad Parent John Winchester, Castiel Leaves (Supernatural), Castiel is a Good Bro, Chick-Flick Moments, Dean Winchester Cries, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Everyone Leaves Dean behind, Fluff, Gen, Hugs, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Lonely Dean Winchester, Mary Winchester Leaves, Parent John Winchester, Parent Mary Winchester, Sad Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester Leaves, Sam Winchester Leaves for Stanford, Sam winchester being a good bro, Self-Sacrificing Dean Winchester, everyone cries a little, misha-moose-dean-burger-lover's Angsty-Angst Week</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:00:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,524</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25395421</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lil_Moon545/pseuds/Lil_Moon545</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“You know, you fight, and you fight for this family. But the truth is they don’t need you. Not like you need them.” All Dean ever did was want people. It’s just sometimes they didn’t want him… </p>
<p>Or 4 times people left Dean and one time they stayed. Spans from pre-series up to Season 14. A little bit of Canon Divergence in some parts.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester &amp; Mary Winchester, Dean Winchester &amp; Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester/John Winchester, Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Jack Kline &amp; Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>104</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Or 4 Times People Left Dean and One Time They Didn’t</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All Dean ever did was want.</p>
<p>Of course, there was nothing wrong with that. Being just a puny human, want is one of the baser instincts. People will and always want something. Wanting something is an integral part of the human experience –one that often spurs on a plethora of emotions that leaves you drowning and struggling for control, or sometimes, provide you with a sense of purpose- a fuel to carry on and live.</p>
<p>Everybody wants something, be it materialistic things such as money and fashion, or something as intangible as happiness, dreams, and love. Wanting something is human- oh <em>so painfully, glaringly, and utterly human</em>.</p>
<p>And Dean- all he ever did was want <em>people</em>. To the point that he started to <em>need</em> them. It's just sometimes they didn't want him…</p>
<p>So when the yellow-eyed demon, Azazel as they would come to know him years after, spat at his face, his deepest darkest secret, said <em>"You know, you fight, and you fight for this family. But the truth is they don't need you. Not like </em><em><strong>you </strong></em><em>need them." </em>He felt so ashamed that he couldn't even deny it.</p>
<p>…It was his truth after all.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>
  <strong>1. Sam</strong>
</p>
<p>For years, it was just the three of them on the road. Him, dad, and little Sammy, kicking every evil son of a bitch in the ass and taking names. The family business. And though there was that gaping hole- that empty space- that kept nagging at them at the back of their minds ever since that fateful night in November when their mother met her fiery death, it was enough for Dean.</p>
<p>They had each other. <em>Family</em>. So long as they were together, everything will be just alright.</p>
<p>But then Sam, floppy-haired, nerdy, and snot-nosed Sam, who barely reached his waist, grew -literally became the bigger man in the room. And suddenly he wasn't so little anymore. Dean's little Sammy who he practically raised and protected -<em>because that was his job dammit, it was his his hishsihishis</em>- stopped needing him just because he was taller than Dean.</p>
<p>Sam started to complain, started voicing out his opinions, questioned every decision John ever made, threw every possible indignity and offensive remark, and boy did dad not like that. They pitted against each other constantly; in the car, in the motel room of the week, even during hunts. In another life, their family may have made the best debate team ever. And Dean tried his best to keep the peace. He picked up the pieces after every fight, and slid in between when things bordered on homicidal -threw in a careless grin and a devil-may-care-attitude to show how unaffected he was. But somewhere in between <em>'No Sam, I'm not on his or your side,' </em>and, <em>'Those are dad's orders,'</em> he knew he was getting worn out going round and round in circles, trying to fix things and coughing up excuses, but they just wouldn't stop.</p>
<p>Still, Dean tried his best, so it was gonna be okay. Everything was just gonna be fine. They were just misunderstandings, after all. Every family has its moments, right? <em>'It's gonna be okay. They'll get over it.' </em>He'd say to himself.</p>
<p>So when time came for Sam to make the choice –his pensive shoulders heaving and expression hurt as their dad, who was red in the face, yelled at his youngest, <em>"You walk out that door and you don't come back!"</em> – Dean stood there and watched, despite the sinking feeling in his stomach, believing that Sam would choose him. <em>Them</em><em><strong>. </strong></em>Because he- <em>they </em>were right there dammit.</p>
<p>Because no way could Sam ever choose some fancy ivy league school in bumfuck nowhere California to go live off the American dream- no way would he choose a life of white picket fences and boring office job- over his own family. Dean just knew he wouldn't, it was just unbelievable. '<em>I mean, come on. It was always just the three of us on the road for like, ever. Me, dad, and little Sam-</em></p>
<p>-Went out the door without a second glance. Samuel Winchester heaved up his duffle bag on one shoulder, clutched his acceptance letter to Stanford in one hand, and with a firm expression on his face, turned and dashed out the door, all in a whirlwind of one second. Dean just watched dumbfounded, unable to breath. His little brother up and away, just like that.</p>
<p>'<em>You walk out that door and you don't come back.'</em></p>
<p>'<em>Well, Sammy closed the door and whoosh.'</em></p>
<p>Dean just stared at the empty space where his brother had been, mind reeling, and tried to tell himself how proud he was of his brother's achievement –'<em>because wow Stanford, that's like real big right?' </em>–tried to tell himself that he understood why Sammy- no, <em>Sam </em>– did what he did. He tried to pretend that it was fine. <em>But Sammy closed the door, he closed it, hecloseditheclosed-</em></p>
<p>Yeah, Dean was gonna be just fine…</p>
<p>It was 4 years after that when he saw his brother again.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>
  <strong>2. Dad</strong>
</p>
<p>Dean was the good son, the soldier who followed every order down to the letter. Daddy's obedient little tool. His father tells him to jump, he doesn't bother asking how high; dad says to pull the trigger, he says <em>yessir</em>. With Dean, John had nothing to worry about, because Dean knew that sans the thirst for vengeance, obsessive, and drunken tendencies, he was all that his father had and all he had was his father. He did everything he could to please the man, tried to show him that <em>'I'm right here, dad,' </em>because God knows he's already lost enough.</p>
<p>So when dad said they split, <em>'cover more ground and collect more kills,' </em>Dean tried not to think too much about it, tried to distract himself with the magnificent ebony impala that's been entrusted in his care, too busy drooling at his baby to even think about the situation.</p>
<p>At first he was ecstatic, the feel of his hands on the slick steering wheel as he drove and blasted Metallica on the radio left him feeling high and charged. He went where his father sent him, jumped from town to town nonstop, and successfully finished hunts as if they were just another day at the office. Whispers of <em>'John's boy' </em>started to float around the hunting communities and damn was he proud, oh so so proud that he had something to offer his old man.</p>
<p>Days of being on his own stretched into weeks, and weeks into months, and months into years. All the while, all he received from his dad were the occasional ominous unknown coordinates of hunts and check-ins of <em>'I'm okay, Dean,' </em>and '<em>I'm on a hunt.' </em>Sometimes, he had to resort to begging his father's voicemail for some form of closure, a litany of <em>'Please answer, I've been calling for days.' </em>Or, '<em>Where are you? Are you okay?' </em>Secretly, he tried not to grin and dance like an idiot when his prayers were answered, his father's voice washing over his being and soaking him in relief and longing -tried to tell himself that this was okay, that he didn't want anything more than the calls or voicemails, that he didn't need something tangible to touch and hear and see- that <em>this </em>was enough. He was content.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, as he drives, he constantly worries for the whereabouts of his father, whether he might be rotting in some ghost's attic, sucked dry by vamps, or drowning in his own puke; Some days he'd have thoughts of Sam, how he's doing, whether or not he's caught a girl's eye or if college life was going well for him; these things he didn't know.</p>
<p>During those long drives when his thoughts would threaten to drown him, everything was quiet. In the car, in the motel room of the week, even during hunts, it was all so quiet. Not even the jarring notes of Led Zep and Bon Jovi can pierce through the veil of silence. And Dean tries not to crumble down right then and there when he turns to his side to tell someone of the strip club or the burger joint they passed by, only to see that no one was there to tell.</p>
<p>It was only then -4 years, 1 month, 18 days, and 7 hours ever since Sam walked out on them to be exact- while he was in the impala gripping at his bleeding side after a voodoo case in Jericho and fumbling with the dial on his phone, chanting <em>pickup dad pickup please dad, I need you-</em></p>
<p>
  <em>-"This is John Winchester. I'm not available right now. If this is an emergency, please contact my son, Dean. He'll help you- "</em>
</p>
<p>It was only the 17th replay of his dad's voicemail, the 17 calls remaining unanswered for almost 3 weeks now- It was only then on that 17th unanswered call that Dean finally understood how well and truly alone he was for the first time.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>
  <strong>3. Cas</strong>
</p>
<p>An angel in a trench coat strolled into his life, and suddenly, Dean's world just got bigger.</p>
<p>Castiel was something- <em>someone</em> foreign, alien even, what with the whole 'Angel of the Lord' gig. He was a whole new level of strange for Dean, and that's saying something considering all that's happened during the past years with Angels and Demons suddenly popping up for the big game, and the freaking Apocalypse that was the Lucifer and Michael shit show. So Dean's world just got a hell of a lot bigger, and Castiel happen to come with the package.</p>
<p>At first, Castiel was just another monster to him, another hunt to kill. The first time they met in that barn, Dean had stabbed him without a second thought and Castiel had been an arrogant, and ruthless soldier who didn't know better other than to lick heaven's feet. Dean had been scared shitless at the immortal being in front of him, claiming to be a divine celestial being with wings who, apparently, <em>'gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.'</em></p>
<p>From then on, they came to know each other, learned, and came to share a "profound bond." Castiel gave Dean his loyalty along with everything that he had. He gave up heaven to be at the beck and call of two hairless apes. Dean, without even meaning to, taught him compassion and free will, but most importantly, humanity.</p>
<p>Soon, Dean was more than acquainted to Cas' quirks, his little head tilts and brash approach with things; his curiosity and bluntness that never failed sweep them off their feet; the man was literally just an angel in a trench coat and for Dean, well, he was breath of fresh air. He never thought he'd be able to laugh so freely and loudly again until he met the angel.</p>
<p>And from one apocalypse to the next, it didn't take long before Sam and Dean turned into Sam and Dean and Castiel. The three amigos. Team Free Will, they called themselves, and they kicked ass. Castiel turned into Cas and the 'angel in a trench coat became associated with friend, brother, <em>family</em>. Dean had never been a pious man, but he prayed to Cas because Cas was <em>family</em>. Cas was always there –he always came.</p>
<p>But the person standing in front of Dean, this wasn't Cas.</p>
<p>The person who broke down Sam's mind barrier against hell and reduced him into a blabbering invalid mess wasn't Cas. The person who blew Raphael into a splatter of blood and guts on the wall wasn't Cas. The person who looked at them like they were dirt under his shoe, regarding them with so much apprehension and disgust in his eyes, it wasn't Cas. It was just a ticking time bomb of raw untapped power, it wasn't Cas. It wasn't, but Dean would be damned if he didn't try and call out to him.</p>
<p>So he begged. "Listen to me. I know there's a lot of bad water under the bridge, but we were family once." <em>Listen to me Cas. </em>"And if that meant anything to you, then <em>please</em>." <em>Please. </em>He begged becausehe was afraid of losing so many people; Lisa, Ben, Sam, and now him. "I can't lose you too."</p>
<p>Because his Cas just couldn't up and be gone like that. Because Cas was an immortal being and he kinda just was always there. Even when he'd died and been cast out of heaven, he was always there. He just needed a little help.</p>
<p>'<em>So whatever this is, we can fix it. You don't have to do it by yourself Cas. You have us. You could have come to us and we would have helped you, we would have- '</em></p>
<p>Castiel turned to him, face as blank and hard as the day they first met; a stranger staring into him. "You're not my family, Dean. I have no family."</p>
<p>… And now, Dean knew- as he watched the being wearing his friend's face proclaim himself as the new God, watched as the intensity of his power choked them into submission, watched as he vanished in a blink of an eye, leaving them with promises of certain death should they meddle in his affairs, the new lord- he watched and with every second that progressed, Dean knew-</p>
<p>The Cas they knew was gone.</p>
<p>
  <strong>4. Mom</strong>
</p>
<p>Dean spent his first four years filled with moments of his mom. And even then, his little 4-year-old brain could only hold on to so much.</p>
<p>So Dean only knew his mother from the drunken mutterings of his father, old pictures, and vague pieces of memories from childhood. Of course, he'd known her through his misadventures with time travel, but they just weren't… enough. Dean wanted to know <em>more</em>.</p>
<p>Some days, Dean sees his young self in a sunlit kitchen, with furnished tiles and modest furniture. There was that one song being hummed in the background as he sat in a chair, eagerly waiting for a delicious piece of pie. <em>"Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better-" </em>The voice sings cheerfully and his mother is there, with her hair falling down in golden waves and her white summer dress gracefully flowing with every move she made, a serene smile on her face illuminating the room. She moves closer to him as she slices the pie, still humming. As he waits beside her, the sweetness of her scent wafts into his nose and he feels himself settle into a sense of calm and safety so surreal he doesn't even care. <em>'Hey Jude, don't be afraid. You are made to go out and get her-,' </em>the song goes on.</p>
<p>The vision came to him so often and sudden that he wasn't even sure if it was a dream or a real memory anymore. Either way, ever since it all went up to flames years ago, he'd already come to terms with the fact that it would just stay as is, a childish vision and nothing more.</p>
<p>That is until Amara, God's sister for god's sake, pulled a helluva move out of nowhere and brought her back. <em>She</em> was back…</p>
<p>And Dean, for the love of Chuck, couldn't have been happier in all his life than in that moment. For all he cared, another apocalypse could be brewing and he'd still be grinning like an idiot. Because <em>she </em>was there. His <em>mom</em> was there right in front of him, in all her glory, clearer and so much more real than any memory or vision his mind could muster.</p>
<p>She was there, and Dean learned all sorts of things about her; her taste in music, her love for bacon, how she kicked ass, how she also looked good in plaid, how she couldn't cook worth a damn but still tried her best; Dean just lapped it all up. Sam finally got to know their mom and Cas got to know her too, it was all well and good.</p>
<p>He was skeptical at first when their mother decided that they work a case, go hunt <em>–the family business</em>. She ran away from the life after all, and coveted a sense of normalcy with their father. But once a hunter, always a hunter, and mama Winchester was the atypical hunter. And hunt they went, all the while, Dean stuck to her like glue, watching her every move like a hawk; call him "overprotective", but he was just ensuring the safety of his family.</p>
<p>Sure, there were more bumps along the way. What else would you expect to happen when reconnecting with your 'recently-revived-mother-who-you-barely-knew-and-was-dead-for-like-30-years?' But Dean had faith because for once in his life, things were right, never mind the constant threats of monsters and dick bags like the British Men of letters. He had his family. He had his Mom, he had Sam, and he had Cas. And they have the bunker as a <em>home. </em>Dean couldn't have asked for more. This was his chance and he wasn't planning on letting go any time soon.</p>
<p>But, like all good things in their life, it all had to come crashing down somehow. Because first of all, they're Winchesters. And second, Mary was a Winchester. So in the typical Winchester fashion of complicating things; Mary, with that serene smile on her face saying, "I have to go," stopped Dean in his tracks.</p>
<p>He gaped like a fish out of water, has stopped working.</p>
<p>His mother looked at him, eyes pleading, "I miss John. I miss my boys."</p>
<p>Dean felt his insides twisting and he tried to look way. But the long ago buried kid inside of him that missed their mother couldn't. <em>Yeah, we missed you too, you know that?</em></p>
<p>"Were right here mom," says Sam. Dean was still too busy processing.</p>
<p>Their mother grimaces, "I know. In my head." She starts, looking guilty. "But I'm still mourning them as I knew them. My baby Sam, my little boy Dean. Just feels like yesterday we were together in heaven and now…I'm here and John's gone, and they're gone. And every moment I spend with you reminds me of every moment I lost with them. "</p>
<p>Her words echoed throughout the library, and Dean heard every crack in her voice, sending a thousand needles down his gut. His tongue was stubbornly stuck in place, mouth now tightly closed over it, afraid that if he tried to say something, his throat might seize and let loose a sob instead. So he stayed firmly in place, eyes flickering with emotion at his mother's words. <em>She missed them, and they missed her, so she had to go?</em></p>
<p>But, that doesn't make sense. So what if they didn't turn out that great in the "happy family" department? So what if things were painfully awkward for all parties? So what if they weren't little kids anymore? So what if they're not the same? They were still her kids right? They can still be a family. So…So what?</p>
<p>That doesn't mean that you have to go and leave, <em>that's </em>what!</p>
<p>But Dean says nothing, does nothing, as he stares at her, too confused and too numb to even make the effort.</p>
<p>Truth was, he knew this was gonna happen- that coming back from being dead for more than 30 years only to see that everything had changed and shifted wasn't gonna cut it. Deep down, he knew that it wasn't going to be okay because he has this picture perfect image of his mom in his head; baking pies, giving hugs, and singing him to sleep. It was a picture born out of longing and whatever depraved childhood fantasy he had. He had that picture perfect image that he'd been trying so hard to preserve, but it just wasn't the same. They weren't kids anymore and reality finally caught up to him.</p>
<p>That's what brought them here.</p>
<p>After an awkward while, when their mother finally looks up and speaks again, it was with such certainty in her voice, the words ringing:</p>
<p>"I have to go."</p>
<p><em>She has to go shehastogoshehastogo- </em>Dean couldn't bring himself to face her so he decides to look away and pretend that he cares enough to nod -pretends that he understood. The words '<em>I'm so sorry,' </em>didn't register at all, the words <em>I have to go Ihavetogo- </em>still ringing in his ears. And when she moved towards him, Dean flinched away because he just couldn't handle it-</p>
<p>
  <em>She had to go.</em>
</p>
<p>'<em>And anytime you feel the Pain<br/>Hey Jude, refrain<br/>Don't carry the world upon your shoulders<br/>For well you know that it's a fool<br/>who plays it cool by making his world a little colder'</em></p>
<p>
  <strong>+1</strong>
</p>
<p>"You don't have to do this, Dean."</p>
<p>He hears Sammy say as his little brother tries to reach out to him, cautiously moving towards him as if he was some kind of trapped animal, and Dean just feels like a failure by the second. A complete and utter failure. If he could, he'd be gripping and pulling at his hair and going hysterical, but that would just prove to make him look more pathetic than he currently is.</p>
<p>He settled for letting out slew of colorful curses instead, all the while trying to aggressively blink the wetness from his eyes.</p>
<p>'<em>Son of a bitch -they weren't supposed to find out!</em>'</p>
<p>The whole purpose of his little getaway trip was to put distance between him and them. He'd made his goodbyes and quickly went away, dragging his trusty metal coffin with him. He wasn't supposed to deal with their broken little expressions and pleading looks –they weren't supposed to see him in this pathetic state; all his snark and "macho posturing" stripped away to reveal the worn, weak, and desperate man that he truly was. He went away because it would be easier for him and them when he finally tosses himself into the freaking ocean.</p>
<p>They weren't supposed to find out… but here they were; standing by the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, at 3-ass-o-clock in the morning.</p>
<p>Sam was trying to inch towards him, wearing that signature broken look of his that often won him the sympathy of their clients. His brother was there, trying to reach out to him, but Dean didn't want to. <em>He couldn't even do one simple thing right.</em></p>
<p>His little brother tries to inch towards him, not-quite-tears glistening in his eyes and Dean cursed himself even more.</p>
<p>"You don't have to do this, please Dean." Sam repeats. "There's got to be another way. We'll find something… like we always do." And Dean almost believes him. <em>Almost.</em></p>
<p>Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees Cas, Jack, and Mary watching, the lot of them wearing the same worried expressions as his brother. They were all waiting for him to say something, to relieve them of their worries so that things could finally go back to normal- but Dean's already made up his mind.</p>
<p>Dean raises his eyes to Sam; two brothers facing off to throw in their last hurrah.</p>
<p>"And what, Sam?" He lashes out. "Tell me what other way is there to fix this, huh? I've got a freaking psycho running around in my head and the only thing standing between him and the rest of the world is me. Me!"</p>
<p>Sam's face contorts into a frown.</p>
<p>"So what? You're just gonna bury yourself alive for all eternity because Billy said so? Because it was fate? Since when did you listen to fate, Dean?" Sam shouts, "What happened to blazing our own path, t-to Team Free will?"</p>
<p>Dean scoffs, "You don't understand." He feel hot stinging behind his eyes and he tries not to choke on his words, "You damn well know this is different than back then-"</p>
<p>"No its not. Dean!" Sam cuts in.</p>
<p>"-We know what Michael can do. Hell, we've seen it for ourselves what he did in that other Earth. The moment he gets out, he won't hesitate to do the same to us!"</p>
<p>"It doesn't mean that you have to do what Billy said. Just because it was written in some notebook doesn't mean that that's the only way. We've changed our own fate so many times, Dean. We can change this one too."</p>
<p>Dean shakes his head, "Not this time, Sammy."</p>
<p>Sam pauses, looking at him like he was searching for something. "Why do you have to do this all the time?" he whispers. "Lose faith and just… give up? Decide to stick your neck out and act like some damned hero?"</p>
<p>'<em>A hero?!' </em>Dean looks at him sharply. "What- that's not-"</p>
<p>"No, Dean! You listen to me." Sam interrupts him harshly before he could protest. "I know you. I know you better than anyone. And I- you don't have to be a martyr all the time, Dean. You don't have to carry this like it's your damn responsibility. We can find another way if we just look. Why do you always insist on doing things all by yourself-"</p>
<p>"BECAUSE I HAVE NO CHOICE!" Dean shouts.</p>
<p>He's done. He just wants this to be over.</p>
<p>"Every day, I can feel him screaming and pounding inside my head and it's taking all of my strength right now to not let my guard down and give in, cause once he gets out- once he takes control he's gonna kill everybody- all of you." <em>Everyone I've ever loved.</em></p>
<p>He pants, exhausted and wishes that his brother would just go away- that they would understand and just go away. "And I won't- I can't let him." <em>It would all be on him. His fault, all his fault.</em></p>
<p>"There is no other way, Sam." He whispers in defeat. "I have to do this. I know you want to save me but we've done this whole dance again and again. And every time we choose the other over the rest of the world, we put everybody else in danger. So if this is what it takes, then I'm gonna fucking do it." <em>It would be all his fault and he won't be able to forgive himself.</em></p>
<p>A tears slides down his brother's cheek and Dean feels like an ass. He averts his eyes, trying to will himself to another place away from here -anywhere but here.</p>
<p>Sam looks at him disbelievingly. "You… you can't seriously believe that." Because he didn't believe it for one minute –</p>
<p>"I do, Sammy. I do." Dean just sighs tiredly. Long ago, he would have fought hard and found his way kicking and screaming. Sought for a loophole in the stupid machinations of whatever high being in the universe was milking all this. But the fight has left him years ago, and most of the time, he's barely hanging on by a thread. The universe just throws them into the blender time and time again and Dean can't remember a day, when what he did mattered because the darkness just kept coming one after another. And now, he was tired.</p>
<p>"It's all I have." He says, resigned.</p>
<p>Sam shakes his head. "No…"</p>
<p>Because one upon a time, his brother didn't believe dying was the only way to close the gates of hell and saved him. His brother saved him, each and every time when it seemed like there was no other choice, he saved him and Sam was gonna do the same.</p>
<p>"No… I'm not gonna let you do it." He stares at the oldest Winchester in the eyes and takes a step forward. "If you think for one second that I'm not gonna fight you on this, then you're wrong. There's got to be another way… we just have to find it. We <em>will </em>find it."</p>
<p>Dean closes his eyes for a second, trying to find some semblance of strength.</p>
<p>"I trusted you to say yes to Lucifer and jump into the cage, Sam." He growls. "Now, it's my turn to jump in the cage. I trusted you years ago to do that. Why can't you do the same to me now?" <em>Let me go, Sammy.</em></p>
<p>"Cause you're my brother, you jerk."</p>
<p>Dean freezes.</p>
<p><em>All these years… </em>Dean casts his eyes heavenward. <em>Brother. </em>It was breaking his heart, knowing how much this hurt his brother, and mom, Cas, even Jack. All these years, and they were all each other had. And Dean was hurting them. It was all just so frustrating. <em>Why, why couldn't they just-</em></p>
<p>"You <em>have </em>to believe in us, Dean." Sam grits through his teeth. "Why don't you believe in us?"</p>
<p>"Sam's right, Dean. Let us help you." Cas speaks out from where he stands and Dean looks at him -at his best friend. "It may seem impossible now, but we can get through this. You- we've done it before and we can do it now. We can defeat Michael. But not like this."</p>
<p>Jack, a kid he barely knew, is standing beside Cas and he regards Dean with a sympathetic look. "I may have not been with you for a long time, but I do know that you have your family, Dean; Sam, Cas, Mary, and um, Me." The Nephilim shrugs and gives him a soft smile, "You have us."</p>
<p>There was a time when Castiel didn't care about someone dying so long as it was for the benefit of Heaven. There was a time when Dean had sworn to kill Jack for what he was. But now the two of them, there they were, showing such compassion and care that Dean didn't think he deserved.</p>
<p>Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Mary take a step towards him, and he looks at her.</p>
<p>"Let's go home, Dean… Son." His mother smiles at him, looking him in the eye and calling him <em>son</em>. Standing there, under her gaze, seeing her concern for him -seeing <em>all </em>the concern in their eyes, set his heart aflutter. And he just couldn't take it anymore-</p>
<p>Suddenly, he saw his vision blurring as he struggled to look at all of them through the tears that were suddenly streaming down his face. He was trembling and shaking all over, struggling to breathe through his nose and his throat seized. He felt his knees weakening and thought that he would fall over until strong arms wrapped around him and held his face against their chest.</p>
<p>Sam cradled his big brother's trembling form as the man cried against his neck, his sobs coming out restrained and broken. He felt his brother clutch at him like a lifeline and he tightens his hold on him. "Ssssh. I've got you, Dean. I've got you." He whispers against his brother's hair, breathing out a sigh and closing his eyes in relief.</p>
<p>The younger Winchester sends out a small smile to his mother as she approaches them and hugs them from the side, the both of them crowding in on Dean. Cas and Jack stood on the sidelines, watching with smiles on their faces, albeit they've moved a little closer to the trio, offering comforting gestures and support to Dean, occasionally touching his on the shoulder or rubbing his back.</p>
<p>If this was any other situation, Dean would have refused up and down till he ran out of breath before he let himself be held or even seen like this in front of so many people. His weakness exposed for all the world to see; Dean Winchester in all his broken glory, bawling like a babe. But just this once, he allows himself just this one <em>'chick-flick moment' </em>and relishes in it.</p>
<p>It took a while before his sobs finally subsided and it must have painted a weird picture: a huddle of 2 grown man and a woman in the middle of the road, together with a rumpled accountant and some jailbait bambi kid. When Dean does calm down, he extracts himself from the huddle with much indignation and embarrassment on his face before schooling his features and pulling a smile that didn't quite yet reach his eyes. He'll get there.</p>
<p>"God, that was so embarrassing." He grunts. "0/10, will not do that ever again."</p>
<p>"Agreed." Sam grins back again and they all let out a laugh in reply even as they're wiping away lingering tears and all is good.</p>
<p>'<em>All is good.' </em>Dean takes a deep breath of the cold air and throws an arm around his brother as they all steer towards the impala. "Now let's go home, you bitch."</p>
<p>"Jerk."</p>
<p>Long ago, there was a time when Dean thought that it would just be him and baby driving down the road forever. Then it became just the two of them, <em>brothers</em>, driving down the road with baby and all they had were ghost hunt after ghost hunt, a motel room for two, and six packs of beers. Long ago, things were simpler and Sam was there… and that was all it took to keep Dean running. Over the years, people kept coming and going, and more and more names were added to his list. They came and left like the seasons, but some stayed. And now-</p>
<p>Now, Dean has so much more…</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Honestly, I just finished watching Supernatural and loved Dean Winchester's character, macho 'no-chick flick moment' facade and emotional repression and all that. So I this idea came to me. I just wanted to write Abandoned Dean and some angst-y sad stuff and kind of like a study of the character and look into his insecurities and separation issues. So I'm gunna stop rambling now... Thanks for reading! I think this is me first completed fic ever.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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